The First Doctor Visit

So quite a while back (3 months?), my wife and I decided to transfer from a very sub par OB/GYN practice to a most excellent maternity center.  The experience there was amazing and something I'll likely write about numerous times in the future, when I get some time to fully recollect my thoughts about the various experiences we shared with the midwives and students there.  Post birth, the midwives do an excellent job of both in-home and in-center follow ups, but there are certain things they cannot do, which leads us to the topic in this post - the first full on doctor's visit.

Before the formal visit even starts, a few things come up that cause me some concern.  First, I hadn't yet registered Cooper on our insurance - I know these visits can get pretty pricey - so that makes me a little nervous, but whatever, I'll get him added this week.  Second off, visiting a doctor's office kind of puts me ill at ease anyway.  Not that I'm scared of them or anything, but for all intents and purposes, the only times I've been to a doctor in...say...the last 20 years, has been because something is WRONG.  Definitely need to get used to the idea that babies need regular checkups to make sure things are going smoothly and nothing is necessarily wrong, but never-the-less, this kind of lingers in my mind for the rest of the visit.

Next up, the questionnaire.  Some pretty easy questions like 'When was your child born', 'How many times a day do you feed your child', 'How many times does your child urinate' etc...easy peasy. We get to a question that causes a pause: 'Is your child able to focus and maintain a gaze on your face'.  Hmm...not really, in my opinion.  In fact, he doesn't even seem like he can focus on pretty much anything.  Uh oh.  My wife marks yes (because we want him to appear 'normal'), and we move down the form.  We kind of forgot about it during our visit, but after the fact, we did some quick research and saw that in general, babies can't focus on anything until about 6-8 weeks.  Whew, ok. Thing is, this highlights the desire to fit in, even if it's not me that needs to do the fitting in, I find myself projecting on to my son, because, well, if he's not perfect, then it must be my fault - I'm doing or have done something wrong - yikes.

Finally, we get to the actual visit.  Now this appointment went pretty normally, but two things caught my attention.  Whenever the doctor or nurse was examining my son, I got quite anxious for them to finish whatever it was they were doing, look me in the eye, and tell me everything is going to be 'OK'. Until that moment, I didn't necessarily fear the worst, but well, ish was stressful!  Definitely need to relax a bit more in the moment, and release the outcome.  It will be what it will be.  If it is something that can be dealt with, we'll deal with it.  If not, being anxious and stressed out is not going to help.

The second thing that cropped up during the visit, and again, perhaps just highlighting my paranoia, we get to his first vaccine.  Now, if you had asked me at pretty much any other time in my life 'Is there anything to fear about vaccines?' and 'Are anti-vaccers pretty nuts and simply clinging onto something tangible to blame their children's autism on?' I would have said yes in a heartbeat.  Now the moment of truth, just before the nurse sticks his little thigh with a needle, all that comes back into question - 'What if they're actually right?', 'Could this cause my child to develop autism?', 'Could I handle that?' 'Zomg' and while the answer to those questions are still 'No', 'No', 'Yes', SLAP - I really couldn't help but let that flash through my head.

Such a simple visit, made so complex and worrisome in my brain, granted for very short periods, but annoying anyway.

Early Feeding and Changing

As a newborn, my son likes to (read: needs to) wake up every 2-3 hours to eat.  The burden of feeding often falls squarely on my wife, simply because she has breasts that can produce a nourishing substance for the child, namely, breastmilk.  As it turns out, eating often necessitates a similar amount of excrement, both in liquid and solid form, with mixed media thrown in for good measure.

The fact that I cannot feed this child with my body has caused me some small amount of angst.  I never anticipated having functional nipple envy, particularly not towards my wife.  That being said, it's very difficult to not feel a tad inadequate given my male body's inability to feed my child.  I'm usually a go-get-em, take matters into my own...err...hands?...kinda guy, but that's just not happening here. My wife does "pump" (another story, another time), which gives me a chance to bottle feed my boy, and I jump at every opportunity I get to connect with him over food.  I've always found it interesting to think about how much of human life and relationships center around consuming food, particularly with one another - I've found things to be no different with my infant son - at least for me (it is unclear to me what he may or may not be getting from these exchanges).

Another thing that tends to arise when food is consumed is the processing and ultimate passing of non-essentials from the body.  My son has lavished us with gifts of both urine and shit, and how.  Apparently it's normal and good for a baby to urinate as many times as they are days old (up to about 10 days), meaning that today my boy required a minimum of 10 diaper changes, not to mention the times when he bestows additional blessings upon us with his yellow, grainy mustard craps.  The blessing in all of this is that I've found joy in servicing my baby's bottom and keeping it clean.  I can't feed my son, but I'll be damned if he's going to be swaddled in his own waste for longer than need be.

There may be many things I can't do, but those that I can do will be done with a full and grateful heart, and in service and humility to my child and his mother.

In the beginning

My firstborn came into this world just over one week ago.  His entrance to this plane of consciousness has excited my thinking in a number of ways.   This will be a place that I can share many of the thoughts which he helps precipitate, as well as some that come from other sources.